You probably know the commercial with the line “depression hurts.” I remember one of the first times I saw this commercial. I was in my teens and with friends and of course in teen fashion they began to joke about it. I laughed and joked with them, but inside I was thinking if they only really knew how much it does hurt.
I talk to friends who can talk about their past. They can recall details of their 6th birthday party, who attended and even what some of them wore. If you ask me about my past it is black. I see nothing, I remember next to nothing. Sure I will occasionally recall a small bit of my past, but otherwise it is empty. What is weird is that I can give you an exact floor plan for every home I have ever lived in after the age of 2 and that was many. I can remember directions to relatives houses from my younger years and they have long since moved, but I can’t remember details about an event even while looking at a picture.
I do remember always feeling off. When I was younger I was called shy and as I got older my family and friends just called me weird. I couldn’t do normal things like others. Simple stuff like giving a presentation on a school project, ordering my own food or wanting to go outside and play. Whenever we were going some where I was anxious to get there, but began counting down the minutes until I got to go home once we arrived. I always felt sad. It wasn’t just because my sister got a toy I wanted and I didn’t, but an over all sense of sadness. Even things I enjoyed made me sad. I took to books more often than not because it allowed me to focus on something not pertaining to my life.
I wouldn’t say I had a tough childhood. My parents divorced when I was young and I didn’t see my dad, but otherwise my life until I was a teenager was pretty good. My mom had a good job for most of my young years, we were spoiled and I had a very nice group of friends. We had a stable home and it was often the daily hang out. Someone looking in would thing I had it all and truth be told I do agree, but it came crashing down soon after.
As a teen I looked into help, but I wasn’t a huge fan of medication. I never got an official diagnosis, but depression, bi-polar, obsessive compulsive and social anxiety were all the unofficial diagnoses I received from multiple doctors. I didn’t like meeting new people and I feared places I didn’t know so trying to deal with being bounced around to different doctors was making what I was trying to fix worse. I just slap on a fake smile most days and avoid situations that I know will trigger an episode. I don’t answer calls I don’t know (except at work when I have no choice), hubby generally orders my food and makes all calls I don’t have to make myself. When I am stuck in a situation I can’t avoid one of a few things happen, I break down in tears, I flip out or I run off.
You might ask why I am sharing this with you. I am sharing because for the last few weeks I have been having a low. My day is not interesting and I am losing pleasure in things I enjoy, one of which being my blog. My day consists of waking up, feeding the kids, homeschooling, feeding them again and then sleep or on days I work hubby takes over all those tasks and my day consists of work and sleep. The kids still bring me joy and I am able to genuinely laugh and smile with them, but outside of that it is all fake. I am hoping with things beginning to get on track again and go the way we had planned that it will lift my spirits and allow me to move out of this slump. I am going to be writing a few posts just so that it is not like I abandoned my blog, because it is not what I want to do.