I often wonder when will you wake up? I’ve thought long and hard about writing this post knowing I’d potentially get a lot of slack from family and friends. I questioned myself for many months, but recently came across this post and I told myself it’s time.
I come from a family filled with addicts. I’m surrounded by addicted friends. I’ve watched as many lost their battle to addiction. I buried my uncle in November, less than four after losing another uncle to cancer (his brother) because of addiction. I watch my sister use every day, waiting to get the call that she’s dead. Drugs and alcohol surround me.
In some cases the addiction began the common way, an injury happened and they became addicted to pain medication. Other cases, like my sister despite being surrounded by addiction they still turned to drugs and/or alcohol. I won’t say how old she was, but those that know her will know it’s been a long time.
I’d like to say I know why they turn to drugs and alcohol despite seeing what it’s done to others, but I can’t. I’m an alcoholic. I wanted nothing more than to be black out drunk daily. I wanted to not feel. I believed I needed it. Once I was done being distracted by the work day I was heading out to drink. I was young. I picked up my first drink around 13. By the time I was 18 I was drinking almost nightly.
You might say how can I write this post being an addict? The difference is I woke up. Shortly after turning 21 I said to myself it’s time for a change. Despite now being legally able to drink, I stopped. On my own, no AA or help from anyone. I realized it was time to admit I had a problem. I won’t lie, I’ve relapsed a few times. I have over drank when the drinks are flowing, but at most once a year since right before I got pregnant with Khloe in 2006. Those handful of times it was a lapse in my judgement. I told myself the kids were with hubby and fine, I was enjoying myself and that was it. I’m not 100% sober, but I’m now able to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner on special occasions or have a single cold drink on a hot summer day while barbecuing.
I’m different, I woke up. My family is my life. They’re my driving force. I don’t want my children to know the sorrow of loss due to addiction. It’s why I can’t understand when you’re surrounded by love and those trying to help you that you continue down the path of addiction. How can you enter rehabilitation, suffer through withdrawals, come out clean and go back to those still using. It saddens me that when you have a clear mind that you put yourself back into situations that make it easy for you to use.
It might seem harsh, but like the post I read I’m preparing for death. Like with my uncle I am hardening myself. I love him and always will. I lived more of my life in the same home as him than without. We’d watch TV shows and movies together. We had inside jokes. He was like a dad to me. Every day I hoped I wouldn’t get the call, but prepared for it. I saw how he took the loss of his brother. I knew he was too far down the rabbit hole and wasn’t coming back, but I hoped and prayed he would. I hoped my sister would get another smack of reality at his loss, but she too is just going deeper and deeper. It’s why for the sake of my addiction and my children that I tell myself that she is already dead. When I get the call I can tell myself she was already dead it’s just time to lay her to rest. Of course in the back of my thoughts I’ll still hope that one day she too will wake up.